Hard lessons...

Well my "baby" started kindergarten this week. I still can't believe it! It's not like it "snuck" up on me. I've had all summer to prepare for this week...but came up miserably short in the "emotions" section. I did great in the organized section...having all of her supplies when she needed them, getting her on a routine before the first week of school, getting her to the bus stop in plenty of time to catch the bus, reading every single piece of paper that has been sent home...which has been alot (I don't remember my mom getting any papers when I started kindergarten...now they have student handbooks, agenda books, etc.)...signing up for PAT,etc.

Monday was her orientation day. Randy & I went with her to meet her teacher & to see her classroom. She really liked it & waved at me & said, "You can go now." I had to remind her that it was only orientation day & that we both had to leave but that she would come back tomorrow by herself. Tuesday morning I walked her to the bus stop. As she got on the bus I was overcome with worry & said a quick prayer. As the bus drove away & I walked toward my house I had a couple of tears stream down my cheek. I didn't have much time to dwell on the bittersweetness of it all because as soon as I got home I had to start working. I am watching Mama Sarah & Papa Tim's two littlest ones when they are both working. Sarah was there with Audrey & Emily waiting for me so I switched gears quickly. I had a great time with them. They are so cute! It was 10:45am before I knew it. It was time to head out & pick Phoebe up from school (we have half day kindergarten).

Phoebe was all smiles when she climed into the van. She said she had a great day but she didn't give me many details because she was to busy talking to Audrey & Emily. Later that night at dinner she told Randy & I all about her day. The only thing she was disappointed about was that she didn't wear tennis shoes that day & couldn't play on the climbing wall :o(

Yesterday was a different story. I walked her to the bus stop again. It wasn't any easier yesterday or today. Although Phoebe & I have been "butting heads" all summer & we really needed a break from each other...I am somewhat saddened now that I have it. For almost 5 years it has been just the two of us most of the time when Randy is at work. She goes to school & learns new things & plays with friends. I come home to an empty house on the days I'm not babysitting. I know that won't be for much longer...my house will soon be a very loud & busy place but in the mean time I must learn how to appreciate the silence & aloneness.

So I picked Phoebe up from school yesterday & she happily got into the van & said "Good bye" to several classmates. As we started to drive off I asked her about her day & then asked her about a classmate who she had in her preschool class one year & has been friends with for two years. Her whole countenance changed & she got really quiet. I asked her if something had happened between the two of them but she kept telling me "No." Then I told her that I knew something was wrong & I really wanted to know what it was & she said, "Somebody bleeded today." I tried to get her to tell me about that but couldn't make any sense out of it. She couldn't tell me who it was or what had happened & she said she didn't see it. After about 15 minutes of quietness & not being herself, she was back to herself.

Later yesterday afternoon I took her to McDonalds to play. There were a lot of kids there & no one she knew except for two that left as soon as we were coming in. I had brought in a "pile" of papers from school to read while she was playing. I watched her play for awhile but realized it was better for me to read & not to watch because I always find myself wanting to get up & "help" her to communicate & play well with others. So this time I fought the urge & did not interfere. After she was done & we were leaving she told me that she did have fun but that one person called her a "big farty butt." My heart sank & I felt sick to my stomach. She looked so sad as she said it. I asked her how she responded & she said, "I walked away but also said, "I don't like you." I told her that she was right in walking away but that next time she should not say anything or say, "That's not a nice thing to say."

I know this is just the beginning of many learning experiences for her...and me. There will be good days & bad days. We will have happy times & times of sadness & joy. Please pray for me as I struggle with all of the insecurities & difficulties I faced as a child & how to best guide Phoebe & all of my children as they grow.